The post I didn't make at Noon
Nov. 12th, 2005 01:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
neongraalSo I started thinking about this sometime Late Thursday night (before, not after Serenity) and then mentioned that I'd post on my thoughts Noonish Friday but they just kept coming. The thoughts that is. And then Serenity intervened again. And now, after House and CSI: Miami I'm posting.
My thoughts started out with the wondering about why I'm having trouble at work. I'm taking a longish time to settle into the headspace of doing the next task, and then if/when I get interrupted it proving to be hard to get back into that headspace. I'm not talking 5-10 minutes hard, more 1-2 hours hard. Which isn't resulting in goodly amounts of real work done and has actually resulted in a verbal warning for wasting time. Which I can't feel outraged for cause it's justified.
So then my thoughts wandered into the realm of, I find I'm living my life in straight defined lines, simple sets of habits and routines that get me through a week. I find it really hard to do anything different. Now this makes me unhappy cause I used to revel in the different, the wierd, the spontaneous. But I just don't find it as compelling anymore, I just don't seem to feel as free to indulge. It feels to me like I've locked myself down.
And then I go out with friends and notice the things they've got that I really, really want. Not material things, personal emotional things. And then I notice myself hoping, fantasising, dreaming and then I lock down even harder. And part of locking down is going "If this really really really improbably thing happens, then life will get better" Cause then it's easier to accept the current cause there something that will make it better, if you just ignore how unlikely it is.
And so I wonder a bit about why I'm locking down. And trying to remember what I was like when I wasn't trying so hard to not feel. Cause that's what I'm doing, not feeling. Cause when I feel I seem to only have two modes. Feel for and Feel against. Feel for is good and it's nice and it requires someone to feel for (and who you trust feel's for you). And then there's Feel against. You can Feel against alone. Cause you Feel against yourself, or you can Feel against the world or Feel against couples. and that all hurts and it drains and it doesn't get life lived.
I want to let myself feel again and I want to live my life again and I so damn much want the hurt to stop.
It's funny in a way. My physical needs are pretty much taken care of but I have no idea how to really take care of my emotional needs (or desires if you want) and that damn hurts too.
I want somone to hug and hold and be hugged and held by. And it's proving very very very hard to live without that someone and live the life I want to. It also doens't help that I have, ..., criteria and I'm a bit of a pain, in my own way.
Going to bed to cry now. Been wanting to for a while but been wondering whether the cry is for attention or just to let it all out. I guess I'll find out soon.
Thank you
My thoughts started out with the wondering about why I'm having trouble at work. I'm taking a longish time to settle into the headspace of doing the next task, and then if/when I get interrupted it proving to be hard to get back into that headspace. I'm not talking 5-10 minutes hard, more 1-2 hours hard. Which isn't resulting in goodly amounts of real work done and has actually resulted in a verbal warning for wasting time. Which I can't feel outraged for cause it's justified.
So then my thoughts wandered into the realm of, I find I'm living my life in straight defined lines, simple sets of habits and routines that get me through a week. I find it really hard to do anything different. Now this makes me unhappy cause I used to revel in the different, the wierd, the spontaneous. But I just don't find it as compelling anymore, I just don't seem to feel as free to indulge. It feels to me like I've locked myself down.
And then I go out with friends and notice the things they've got that I really, really want. Not material things, personal emotional things. And then I notice myself hoping, fantasising, dreaming and then I lock down even harder. And part of locking down is going "If this really really really improbably thing happens, then life will get better" Cause then it's easier to accept the current cause there something that will make it better, if you just ignore how unlikely it is.
And so I wonder a bit about why I'm locking down. And trying to remember what I was like when I wasn't trying so hard to not feel. Cause that's what I'm doing, not feeling. Cause when I feel I seem to only have two modes. Feel for and Feel against. Feel for is good and it's nice and it requires someone to feel for (and who you trust feel's for you). And then there's Feel against. You can Feel against alone. Cause you Feel against yourself, or you can Feel against the world or Feel against couples. and that all hurts and it drains and it doesn't get life lived.
I want to let myself feel again and I want to live my life again and I so damn much want the hurt to stop.
It's funny in a way. My physical needs are pretty much taken care of but I have no idea how to really take care of my emotional needs (or desires if you want) and that damn hurts too.
I want somone to hug and hold and be hugged and held by. And it's proving very very very hard to live without that someone and live the life I want to. It also doens't help that I have, ..., criteria and I'm a bit of a pain, in my own way.
Going to bed to cry now. Been wanting to for a while but been wondering whether the cry is for attention or just to let it all out. I guess I'll find out soon.
Thank you
